‘Cos the play’s the thing … lettuce begin…
AA: Well done, Jamie and Alex. What about that?! You’ve seen off ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’. You’ve seen off ‘The Apprentice’ in the Head to Head. Er, and you saw off ‘Big Brother’. I mean fantastic and you’ve won our coveted Pointless trophy.
JAMIE: We feel honoured.
AA: As… so you should. You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot for your charities, which is very exciting. At the end of today’s show the jackpot stands at two thousand five hundred. Interestingly untroubled…
AA: Well you’ve done very well indeed. What would like to finish this show off with? What, what is your dream topic?
JAMIE: I feel like I would like something… movies would be alright. Movies, I usually do alright… movies.
ALEX: I could go for history, something like that.
JAMIE: No! Why history?
ALEX: I did it…
JAMIE: It’s so big! It’s such a big topic… shorten it. ‘Made in Chelsea’ would be great actually… let’s go ‘Made in Chelsea’.
OZ: I’m sorry, too many pointless answers I’m afraid.
JAMIE: Oh we can edit that out…
AA: Ha ha ha ha… yeah.
AA: Er, you get to choose your category for this final round from the 4 we put up on the board behind me. Let’s see what today’s selection looks like… We’ve got ‘Rappers’. We’ve got ‘The Year 2008’. We’ve got ‘Horror Film Directors’ and we’ve got ‘The X Factors’.
RxB: Ooh, I hope they don’t pick the X Factor, I would not have clue.
SEB: I’ll take a wild stab and say they’re not going to be going for rappers. 2008 maybe, that or the X Factor.
RxB: Not horror film directors? They’re both jolly ‘frightfully alright’…
SEB: Fucking Chelsea!
RxB: Spoken like true Fulham fan.
JAMIE: The year 2008… everything else seems so b… Can you do any X Factor winners?
ALEX: Yes but let’s go 2008.
JAMIE: We’ll go ‘The Year 2008’ please.
AA: There we are. Richard?
OZ: Good luck gents, 3 very different categories so take your answers from any of these, however you want to do it. We are looking for anybody who was nominated for a Best Actor or Best Actress Oscar in 2008. Or Best Supporting Actress, Best Supporting Actor…
SEB: What was out in 2008? The King’s Speech?
RxB: No, that was later… Erm, I don’t know, I can’t remember.
OZ: We’re looking for any act that had one of the 50 best selling albums in 2008…
RxB: Bollocks! No idea.
OZ: Or we’re looking for any country which won a gold at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, apart from GB.
RxB: Right, um… North Korea… Er, one of the ones that used to be Russia…
RxB: Probably… should go for a South American country… Argentina. Didn’t they win the football?
OZ: So, any actor or actress Oscar nominees. Any acts who had one of the 50 best selling albums. Or any gold medal winning countries at the 2008 Olympics. Very best of luck guys. I hope they’re, er, good categories in there for you.
AA: Thank you very much indeed. Okay, now as always you have up to 1 minute to come up with 3 answers and all you need to win that jackpot for your charities is for just 1 of those answers to be pointless. Are you ready?
ALEX: Not at all, this is hard.
JAMIE: This is really hard!
AA: Okay. Let’s put 60 seconds up on the clock. There they are. Your time starts… now.
ALEX: Okay. So what’s a good gold winning..?
JAMIE: ‘K ‘k, you think of that, think of that one. I’ll think… Okay so, so, okay Oscars… What was that like in 2008? Was it, er was it Schinder’s List, something like that?
ALEX: No, that’s a lot older than that.
RxB: Oh for fuck’s sake! Schinder’s List? That was last century!
SEB: I’m gonna let the dog out – they’re getting on my nerves.
JAMIE: I don’t think it is much older than that…
ALEX: Yeah. Yeah.
JAMIE: … 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15… 7 years ago. That’s like Schinder’s List…
ALEX: 2008… Is that when they brought out the first Batman?
JAMIE: Batman? That didn’t win an Oscar!
RxB: Yeah it did. Heath Ledger… no, that would have been at the Oscars in 2009…
JAMIE: The, um… so who actually had best selling albums in 2008… who was big in 2008? Seven years ago, who were we listening to? Um…
ALEX: Ad, Adele, I think might of have had a…
ALEX: Er, Amy Winehouse?
JAMIE: The computer Adele. Erm…
ALEX: That’s a Dell. Um, so I reckon Amy Winehouse or, or…
JAMIE: Okay, Amy Winehouse. Medals would be, what, really random countries.
ALEX: Like shooting. Who’s really good at shooting? Like…
RxB: South Korea, Thailand..?
AA: 10 seconds left.
JAMIE: Finland. Amy Winehouse, Finland and… let’s go for, um, an actor would be okay… stop the…
ALEX: Daniel Day-Lewis for the actor. I don’t know why.
AA: Okay, that is your time up. I now need your 3 answers. What are you going to give?
RxB: And Ukraine.
JAMIE: Okay, for one of them, because he’s won loads…
ALEX: Daniel Day-Lewis.
AA: Daniel Day-Lewis as the actor… an actor.
JAMIE: Yes. Acts will be a best selling… No, then we’re going gold medal, we’ll just pick two, gold medal… come on.
JAMIE: Okay, Switzerland.
RxB: Nah. Roger Fedora…
JAMIE: And we’ll go for someone like, er, care, er, Kenya?
RxB: No chance! Too well known for long distance running.
AA: Kenya. Okay. Switzerland and Kenya as our gold medal winners. Of those 3 which is your best shot at a pointless answer?
ALEX: I think Kenya.
AA: Okay, Kenya. Shall we put Kenya last?
JAMIE: Yeah, let’s put Kenya last.
AA: Least likely to be pointless?
JAMIE: Daniel Day…
AA: Daniel Day-Lewis, we’ll put him first. Let’s pop those up on the board in that order then. And here they are. We’ve got Daniel Day-Lewis, Switzerland, Kenya. Well, 3 good answers, I’d say, on the board there.
JAMIE: You think?
AA: I think so. The question is will any of them be pointless.
RxB: Okay? Did she have a wee?
SEB: Yeah. Well they aren’t going to be pointless.
RxB: Yeah, well we’ve gone for Argentina, North Korea and Ukraine.
AA: If any of them is pointless, you will win that jackpot for your charities. Wa, wa, what charities are you playing for. Jamie?
JAMIE: My charity is ‘Rays of Sunshine‘, which is, er, a charity that brings bright light into really poorly kids, aged from 3 to 18.
ALEX: Er, mine is Cancer Research UK.
RxB: Nooo! Fucking sock-puppet…
SEB: Pays their CEO a fortune.
AA: Very good. Fingers crossed. As I say, 3 good answers there. Let’s hope 1 of them is pointless and you can take that jackpot home for those charities. Well your first answer is Daniel Day-Lewis and, in this case, we were looking for 2008 Oscar nominees. Remember, it has to be pointless for you to win. Let’s find out how many of our 100 people said ‘Daniel Day-Lewis’.
ALEX: I don’t believe it!
RxB: That was close!
AA: One person got Daniel Day-Lewis.
ALEX: I want to find that person.
JAMIE: Who was it?
ALEX: Was it Daniel Day-Lewis?
JAMIE: It was Daniel Day-Lewis himself.
AA: Ah, bad luck. Not a pointless answer which means you only have 2 more shots at today’s jackpot.
JAMIE: That is so unfair!
AA: Your next answer was Switzerland and in this case, we were looking for medal winners at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Again, it has to be pointless for you to win that jackpot of two thousand, five hundred pounds. How many people said Switzerland? Is it pointless? It’s right.
JAMIE: It’s right again?! Unbelievable!
AA: Daniel Day-Lewis took us all the way down to 1. This is Switzerland now taking us down…
JAMIE: Come on!
AA: …through the twenties…
JAMIE: Come on!
AA: …and the teens, will it be..?
JAMIE: COME ON!
AA: …It’s still going down, going down…
JAMIE: GO ON! Yeah…
AA: It’s one!
JAMIE & ALEX: Ooh!!!
ALEX: I don’t believe it!
RxB: Switzerland only got one? Ours are looking good then.
JAMIE: Oh no, Daniel Day-Lewis again! Is he in Switzerland?
AA: Incredibly close so far. Everything is now riding on your third and final answer, which is Kenya.
JAMIE: This isn’t fair. Can we do it again? Who would have said Switzerland?!
OZ: Well you did.
JAMIE: I know but that was so random and pointless…
AA: Kenya is your third and final answer. This has to be pointless. Come on, to win the jackpot of two thousand five hundred, how many people said Kenya? Is it pointless? It’s right!
JAMIE: Come on!
SEB: It won’t be pointless.
RxB: Yeah, I know. Known for it, they are, known for it…
AA: Well, Daniel Day-Lewis was right, that took us down to 1. Switzerland was right. That took us all the way down to 1, as well. Kenya has to be pointless…
SEB: Winning gold for long distance running?
JAMIE & ALEX: Come on! Oh!
AA: Bad luck!
SEB: Told you it wouldn’t be pointless.
ALEX: I can’t believe it.
AA: Listen. Okay, you didn’t win the jackpot but 3 excellent answers there considering how you felt when you started that minute. You managed to get 3 brilliant answers that took us right down to the bottom of the column. Er, I’m so sorry. That means you don’t win today’s jackpot of two thousand five hundred pounds. I’m sorry, however, as it is a celebrity special and everyone is playing for a charity, we’ll donate five hundred pounds to each celebrity pair for their respective charities. So you get that and you’ve been brilliant right the way across the show. You can hold your heads up high and you get a Pointless trophy each to take away as well. So there you are… it’s all good.
JAMIE: I don’t believe that.
OZ: Um, the gold medal winning countries was the place to get the pointless answers from because 53 countries won, er, won a gold medals at those Olympics and 30 of them are pointless. And one of the countries that was pointless was Finland.
RxB: Lordi! Not Finland again..?
ALEX: We said that!
SEB: What did we say again?
JAMIE: Oh we said Finland…
ALEX: Why didn’t we do it?
RxB: I told you – Argentina, North Korea and Ukraine. You chose Ukraine.
SEB: Well, that’s definitely going to be pointless.
RxB: We’ll see. That’s a pretty low score for Kenya, 4.
OZ: And I was just waiting for you to read it out and you didn’t do it.
OZ: Let’s take a look at the pointless answers in the different categories. There will be ones you know in all of these, I’m afraid. Um, we’ll start with, er, actors and actresses. Julie Christie, Marion Cotillard, Tom Wilkinson, Tommy Lee Jones. You could have had Philip Seymour-Hoffman. You could have had Hal Holbrook, Amy Ryan. You could have had Ellen Page… lots of pointless answers there.
SEB: Did we say any of those?
OZ: Let’s move on to the best selling albums. Elbow would have been a pointless answer, also Guns n’ Roses. You could have had Leona Lewis… N-Dubz, unbelievably was a pointless answer. Celine Dion, Chris Brown, Enrique Iglesias, Il Divo, Mark Ronson, Will Young. All of those were pointless. Well done if you said any of those.
RxB: Nope. Gold winning countries, come on…
OZ: And the gold medal winning countries… as I said, there’s 30 odd countries here…
RxB: Woo Hoo! Pointless answer! Argentina!
SEB: Did you say that?
SEB: Yeah… (strokes chin)
OZ: Argentina is pointless. Mongolia, New Zealand, Poland. You could have had Azerbaijan, Czech Republic, Denmark, North Korea…
RxB: Double pointless!
OZ: …Norway, Thailand, Tunisa, Turkey, Ukraine…
RxB: Fucking hell! Triple pointless!
SEB: They’d never let you on this show – your language is disgusting. Well done, babes.
OZ: …Uzbekistan and our good friends in the Netherlands, all of those were pointless answers. Gents, it’s been an absolutely pleasure having you on the show and I’m so sorry. 1, 1 and 4 is terrific work in that final round.
RxB: Triple pointless… I shall bask awhile and then do the ironing.
SEB: Yeah, get on with it, bitch.
RxB: Oi! Triple pointless bitch, thank you.
AA: Thanks very much. Well unfortunately we have to say goodbye, Jamie and Alex, but just to add to what Richard said, it’s been brilliant having you on the show. A great performance and, er, thank you so much for playing. Jamie and Alex! Brilliant! Join us next time when we’ll be putting more obscure knowledge to the test on Pointless. Meanwhile its goodbye from Richard.
AA: And it’s goodbye from me. Goodbye.
Any questions, please put them in comments. I have got a stinking cold and am going to bed but either I or Clicky will be about to reply to any tomorrow.